Umm I'm too high to move.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
