twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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