Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
