I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
