Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
