i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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