I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
