u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
