My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
