Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
