What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Randomize
