it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
