I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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