I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
How's work?
Spinning.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
