the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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