I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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