My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
