i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I see more hoeing in ur future
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