She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
