How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
