Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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