My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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