so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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