Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I need to sanitize my soul.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
