she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
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