i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
