Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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