Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize