My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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