I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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