Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
