May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
