I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Randomize
