Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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