I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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