I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
