He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
