pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
