I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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