Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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