I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
