God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
