I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
