imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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