You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize