He asked to "fluff my boner.."
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
