i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
birth control should be required to get into college
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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