Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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