My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
