three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
