So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
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