You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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