Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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