I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
