I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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