Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
