I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
