im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
