mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
