You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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