i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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