I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
you inspire me to be a worse person
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
