I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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