So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
