i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
