On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize