he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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