for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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